An announcement had brought all of the Drama Club members to room 109.
Before that, I had been sitting in my first class of the day (chemistry) with a pile of notebooks for other classes but no chemistry notebook in hand, because I had loaned my notes to John (not his real name) the day prior.
I didn’t know I was never going to get that notebook back.
• MENTAL HEALTH MATTERS: More from this project
Our new Kids in Crisis series is focusing on what children, adolescents and teens today are facing. The problems we had in the early 2000s had similarities with what teens today face — with a key difference being that public health experts say things have gotten worse.
In sharing a glimpse of what all of John’s other friends, loved ones and I went through, my hope is that this adds to the pile of reasons why it is important to pay attention to the crisis children and teens are facing today and do what we can to help and possibly make a change.
Because this is the alternative.
John had been missing school off and on, so it was normal for me to give him my notes from the days he missed. We almost always walked to that first class of the day together where we then sat next to each other, but also near the teacher’s desk, because his desk had a really cool animal skull on it.
There was one day I distinctly remember forgetting to walk with John to class. It was the day he died.
It’s a strange — possibly even dumb — thing to regret, but if I could, that would be the one moment in my life that I would beg to get back.
Fast forward to the next day in room 109 with a handful of adults staring helplessly at a group of teens. None of the teachers or administrators wanted to say the thing, but they had to. John was dead. He died the night before.
The next few minutes are a blank in my memory — it was like the built-in pauses some movies have for commercials — before the full force of what had happened hit.
It was surprised by how accurate the stages of grief were for me. My feelings of denial focused on the fact that it was April, so this must have been a joke. Then came anger that this had happened and that I was stuck in school, of all places; I would later have to go back to class and practice typing on a computer — just typing. (Nobody tell my parents, but I turned in some blank tests the weeks after John’s death.)
Depression came in waves, and the tears were only stemmed by the massive headaches that followed the unrelenting crying.
Acceptance is supposed to be the final stage of grief. I’m not sure I ever really reached it. I think time just passed. Some days I’m still there in room 109.
If you ask any journalist, reporting on suicide is tricky. There was a small newspaper that wrote about John’s death, which included a list of signs of suicide to look for.
This annoyed us. What good was that going to do us now?
As karma would have it, I’m now writing for one of my hometown papers and looking for the right words. When done wrong, media coverage can potentially contribute to suicide clusters.
Studies show media reporting on celebrity suicides can influence suicide rates, according to the Ohio Suicide Prevention Foundation. Research indicates a possible 13% increase in suicides over 1-2 months after coverage of celebrity suicides and a 30% increase in deaths by the same method when the specific method is reported.
But it’s important that we address suicide and talk about it, getting children and teens assessed when they talk about suicide and making mental health screenings a more normalized thing.
Because suicide is preventable.
If there’s one thing I’ve taken away from my reporting, it’s that kids want you to care about them. They want you to listen to them and take their problems seriously.
We can’t prevent every bad thing that kids will struggle with and that will cause them harm. But what adults can do is be a safe person to turn to when kids feel like they’ve lost hope.
We’ve talked to teens and their parents about the struggles they went through in trying to get help, to find the right treatment and then stick with the treatment. Sometimes they would fight. Sometimes it would be a situation of two steps forward, one step back. But eventually those steps forward added up.
For my personal story, I’m not saying that is what happened with John, because there were so many people who cared about him. But what I can say is that the grief that has followed that loss has been different than other losses. I’ve had grandparents pass away and an uncle who died from a drug overdose.
But I have always described the pain from John’s death and that grief as one that festers. Unending, unable to heal. Scabbing over until one day, I watch a show or read a book that makes me think too long about what happened, and then the full force of what happened comes at me once again. He’s been gone about as many years as he was alive, but sometimes it feels like it just happened yesterday.
Another way I’ve come to describe coping with this death of my friend is that it feels like he is missing.
Like he’s supposed to be here, but I can’t find him.
My hope is that our reporting through the Kids in Crisis project will prevent other people from having painful memories by empowering individuals and finding ways institutions can help people.
There are things we can do, individually and collectively, to ease the suffering.
When people share their experiences, feelings and what they’ve been through, it reduces fear around mental illness. It becomes more relatable to those also dealing with similar hurdles and easier for others to ask for help.
If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, there is hope in help.
• HOW TO GET HELP: Community Resource Guide
Call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988. The Lifeline provides 24-hour, confidential support to anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. Call 911 in life-threatening situations.
If you are worried about a friend’s social media updates, you can contact safety teams at the social media company. They have processes to reach out to connect the person with the help they need. For more information, visit 988lifeline.org/help-someone-else/support-on-social-media/.
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