It felt weird to eat turkey in a cafeteria with strangers. But by the end of December, I had developed relationships with the staff and my fellow healing partners, so the weirdness felt comforting. There were only five of us who had chosen to continue our healing journey into the winter holidays, so we made little gifts for one another to open on Christmas morning. We found a guitar, tuned it, printed out holiday songs and together sang carols in front of the fire. We shared stories, which in the warm light of shared realizations, were met with the proper shocked responses instead of familial laughter. We cried together and we laughed together.
That experience broke the history of expected traditions for me. By the following November, I had given away or donated all of the holiday decorations that were filled with memory. I didn’t visit family; instead I chose to sink into new friendships. I reflected, I journaled, I cried and I celebrated my growth.
Today, I choose what the holidays look like. I make sure to honor my children’s expectations, but I do not allow my family of origin’s expectations or my ex-husband’s expectations to trigger my hard-won sanity. People who do not understand trauma and the impact of tradition on mental health have called my choices disrespectful and ungrateful. For those among us who have had the privilege of a loving history with holidays, my choices are perceived as selfish.
This is one of many reasons that the National Alliance on Mental Illness notes that 64% of individuals living with a mental illness report that their conditions worsened around the holidays. When the pressure to be merry and full of cheer is confronted by the very real history of abuse at the hands of the people who fill our traditions, the holidays are a minefield.
My hope is that anyone reading this, who feels trapped in expectations of family traditions during this holiday season, gives themselves permission to set boundaries. Your mental wellbeing is more important than holiday traditions. It if does not bring you joy, you don’t have to do it. The people who love you will understand and anyone who refuses to be supportive is not making you a priority.
Whether you choose a quiet holiday spent alone with a journal, fuzzy blanket and hot cocoa; or you choose to travel to a foreign place to experience something new; or you choose friends over family; or you choose to show up as yourself at the family functions; you deserve happiness this holiday season.
If you find yourself struggling, please reach out and ask for help. I am very aware of how hollow these words feel when you are in the depths of darkness and everything feels hopeless. Trust me, it does get better. Every time you choose yourself, in small and big ways, that which is good in the universe comes to meet you where you are. Over time, it gets easier to celebrate yourself, whether or not anyone else approves.
Bridget Flaherty is the co-host of Tears, Tides, And Transformation: A Podcast about Healing where she and her partner, KeAnna Daniels, highlight stories of women who are transforming trauma into triumph.
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