I admitted to saying the n-word and apologized. I also apologized and thanked the class in which it was said. I apologized because my own white privilege got in the way. I thought I could be sensitive and nuanced enough to use that word in my sub-standard review of a famous rap song. I was wrong. I thanked them because somebody in my class was brave enough to speak up and express their unease hearing it from a white person. I was that white person and it was insensitive of me.
There is a lot of white privilege and brutal patronizing packed into the n-word and it must be handled with a tremendous amount of empathy. This word was used not only to submit Black people to the power of white people but to dehumanize them. That is why this word can be used by Black people and not vice-versa. They are able to find humanity in that word and I’m always impressed how humanely and endearing the n-word is used when addressing one another.
And, no, I don’t see the contradiction — racism is not a two-way street. Racism persists in large part because white people fail to see the central culprit: whiteness, or what Robin DiAngelo would identify as “white fragility.” “White fragility is not weakness per se. In fact, it is a powerful means of white racial control and the protection of white advantage.” Our advantage allows us to be distant, innocent, immune and any other descriptor that washes our hands of involvement.
So, why did I say it in the first place?
Maybe it was my need to break the barrier and show that there are no barriers in our language… but that would be incorrect. Racial inequalities have floated in our language since the 1600s in America. Words and phrases such as “uppity,” “master bedroom,” and “sold down the river” all have origins directly related to white dominance over Black culture.
Maybe I wanted to show that I was genuine by sharing a cultural experience… but there is nothing genuine about holding down one ethnic group for the benefit of another. The white “master race” is probably one of the most disingenuous concepts since the beginning of humanity. I can’t change that by imitating a rap song. I can do better.
This word is not for me to use.
Jonathan Platt is an adjunct instructor at Central State University and Executive Director of Story Chain.
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