How we were raised plays an important role in who we are and what we’ve become.
Whether we do things a lot like those who raised us or nothing like them, the tone of our homes growing up played a part in shaping us.
In years of working with couples and families, I continue to be amazed how true the old adage “a chip off the old block” is.
So many couples I have seen have brought their broken life pieces from their families of origin into their relationships and marriages. They then repeat some of these same old patterns in their own families.
Many are allowing destructive patterns to rule their relationships, instead of seeking ways to change these patterns for their well-being, the well-being of their spouses and their children.
Here are some ideas for changing the patterns:
When things are starting to go wrong in your relationship, look inward first. We are often too quick to see the faults of others and lash out about them. However, it could be the very things we are doing, or saying, or how we are saying these things, or our nonverbal actions that are the problem.
Change comes from acknowledging what you’re doing wrong, getting new information as to what the other person needs from you in order to make things better and from an attitude of wanting to work at changing the problem.
It takes time.
You may find yourself saying, “Yeah, but they have faults also, why do I have to change?”
You can’t force others to change without negative consequences. You can only change yourself and hope to inspire change in others.
When a husband stops arguing with his wife and looks inward, she no longer needs to fight with him and is free to start her process of looking inward. too.
I’ve come to believe that I do have the power to change the world by changing myself.
As I change for the better, it has improved the relationships around me: my wife and children, my friends and family, those whom I work with.
This gives my children a model to pattern their lives after and to change their future families. Like a pebble thrown into a pond, when we change destructive patterns, the ripple effect goes out from us and makes waves.
Greg Schutte is the director of Marriage Works! Ohio/Fatherhood Programs and Sydney Battle is the support services specialist at Marriage Works! Ohio.
About the Author