No kids for you if you can’t get at least a “C.”
Heck, if you can’t get at least a C, you shouldn’t even be trusted with an ant farm or self-cleaning oven.
The fundamentals of parenting seems like simple stuff to this childless cat-lady.
You feed, water, shelter, love and pray your kid does not grow up to rob a bank.
Take care not to drop or otherwise break the child, leave/take him or her anywhere weird or expose him or her to anything strange.
Some people would tell you that strange and weird are relatively subjective terms. I call baloney and call those people strange and/or weird.
Anyone who does not know what strange and weird really are should not have kids.
Parents don’t have to be rich, super-intelligent or extra-affectionate. They just should not be selfish idiots.
Children don't ask to be born to dumb or neglectful parents. Heck, they don't ask to be born at all.
With that in mind, here are a few examples of award-winning parenting techniques from recent months:
The Rubbing the Wrong Way Award
Bad parenting: A 23-year-old Kansas City, Mo., mommy was convicted in late June of two counts of first-degree endangering the welfare of a child for putting rubbing alcohol into her twin daughters' sippy cups of milk, according to the Kansas City Star.
Gloria S. Jones told authorities the 1-year olds were whiny and she wanted to calm them down.
Shocker: The kids got sick because rubbing alcohol is poison, Stupid.
Advice from a childless cat-lady: If a baby is whining, figure out why it is whining and fix that thing.
The Paused Papa Prize for Excellence in Idiocy
Alleged bad parenting: Joshua Moreno, 27, was arrested and charged with child endangerment and other charges after his 2-year-old daughter was found wandering the streets of Trafford, Pa. alone, according to WPXI-TV in Pittsburgh. Those allegations are not enough to earn Moreno his dubious award.
Police say a woman saw the onesie-clad child about to cross a busy road. The woman called police and took the toddler into her home. Moreno arrived at the woman’s house at the same time as police.
From WPXI: "Police said Moreno took off running back to his apartment because 'He left his Madden game unpaused and needed to pause the game.'"
Shocker: Moreno's house allegedly was filthy.
Advice from a childless cat-lady: Put down the control and watch your kids.
Runway Daddy Award
Alleged bad parenting: A 5-month-old boy was thrown from a car officials said was going at a high rate of speed before it crashed into a mailbox and flipped over July 20 in the Houston area.
James Hammons Jr. stands accused of doing the opposite of what any good father would do, according to the Houston Chronicle.
Officials says the 29-year-old hightailed it out of there while his baby laid face down and bleeding in the middle of the road.
Shocker: Authorities caught up with Hammons and arrested him. He is was charged with suspicion of child abandonment, driving while intoxicated with a child under 15 years of age and felony failure to stop and render aid, the newspaper said.
Advice from a childless cat-lady: Speechless.
Burning Skin Award For Videography
Alleged bad parenting: A 40-year-old Charlotte mom has been charged with contributing to the delinquency of a juvenile in connection to the fire video challenge craze, the Charlotte Observer reported last week.
A video shows Janie Lachelle Talley’s 16-year-old stand in a shower and ignite the fingernail polish he poured all over his chest.
From the Observer: "Talley 'was present and aware of what her son (was) doing and facilitated the recording,' according to a statement from police."
Yeah, "facilitated the recording."
Shocker: The boy suffered burns on his chest and neck because burn is what skin does when you set it on fire.
Advice from a childless cat-lady: For this one, I turn to the Ohio Department of Commerce Division of State Fire Marshal because parents apparently need to be told not to let their kids set themselves on fire.
“Sit down with your kids and let them know this isn’t a safe game,” State Fire Marshal Larry Flowers said in a press release. “We need to make sure our children understand how dangerous this challenge actually is.”
A kid in the Cincinnati area is believed to have recently injured himself after participating in the challenge.
2014 Award for Most Cows Hit by an Alleged Drunk Driving Mom
Alleged bad parenting: Police say Tori Dawn McKinney hit two cows while driving drunk. If that's not ridiculous enough, McKinney's kids (ages 6, 7 and 9) where in her pickup truck when she ran into the bovine last month in KINGMAN, Ariz.
Officials examining damage to McKinney's truck said she came out of a convenience store and said "cow," according to the ABC 15 in Arizona
Shocker: Official say McKinney's blood alcohol level was more than three times the legal limit to drive in that state. Really, someone accused of keeping on trucking after hitting two cows is also accused of being drunk.
Advice from a childless cat-lady: If you are going to run into two cows (who doesn't want to?), don't do it while your kids are in the truck.
The Baby Shield Award: Ensemble Cast
Alleged bad parenting: A 21-year-old Clarkville, Tenn., woman and her boyfriend both deserve this one.
Police say it went down like this: Matia Petty threatened her boyfriend with a knife in July, The Leaf-Chronicle reported.
The boyfriend picked up the son he shares with Petty, put the kid between himself and her and said, “You won’t harm him, would you?”
Shocker: The answer was no — not physically at least (mental scaring may be apparent later). Petty allegedly told police she jabbed the knife into her boyfriend's lower body. He has stab wounds in his legs. Petty was charged with aggravated assault.
Advice from a childless cat-lady: Don't use you child as a shield and don't stab people in front of your kid.
Cocktails Mommy Award
Alleged bad parenting: A mom was arrested Saturday, Aug. 16, in Norwalk, Conn., on allegations she left her 22-month-old in her car while she drank cocktails in Harlan Publick with friends, according to the Hour.
A witness spotted the tot sleeping in 32-year-old Christina Failla’s Mazda SUV just before midnight.
The witness waited about 30 minutes before calling police, the newspaper’s website reports.
Officers opened the vehicle and tried unsuccessfully to contact Failla.
From the Hour: "Then, at approximately 12:45 a.m., the officer said the child's mother, Failla, appeared at her vehicle with an odor of alcohol on her breath. She said she had been hanging out with friends and had no idea why the police were at her vehicle, according to police. Failla also said that she felt it was OK to leave her child in the car and that she had only been gone for a few minutes, police said."
Shocker: Failla was arrested, jailed and charged with injury, risk and impairing morals.
She allegedly slammed on her holding cell’s door, complained about being away from her son and threaten to kill police and “anyone else that she could.”
Shocker: But wait, she allegedly left the kid in the car because he was apparently a style cramper.
Advice from a childless cat-lady: Babies don't like to wait outside of bars. Leave your baby at home when you go to a bar. They are the worse wingmen.
Contact this blogger at arobinson@DaytonDailyNews.com or Twitter.com/DDNSmartMouth
About the Author
