It was her biggest challenge, yet her support network was hours away.
But Featherstone quickly learned that support can come in unexpected ways.
“I didn’t know anyone,” she said. “But the community came around me and helped me. The Realtor organized meals for my family.”
Eight years later, the cancer survivor extends that same support to others through the Pink Ribbon girls, a group based in Tipp City that offers services such as housekeeping, meals, transportation and emotional support for cancer patients throughout Southwest Ohio and beyond.
“My support system was cobbled together by virtual strangers. Now it’s nice to pay that forward and provide services to give them and their families/friends a break and not focus on just meals and housekeeping,” said Featherstone, the organization’s marketing director.
Featherstone’s best advice for how to help someone facing cancer? Simply ask.
“You can say, ‘I really want to help you, is there anything you particularly need and what would work best for you?,” she suggested. “People want to say the right thing. But there isn’t necessarily a right thing. There will be different trigger points for everyone, so there’s no right answer.”
We asked cancer survivors and area hospital cancer care coordinators to share some of the best ways to offer support to a relative, friend, co-worker, church member or acquaintance through diagnosis and treatment.
Here are 10 ways anyone can make a difference:
1. Listen and learn
The most important thing anyone can do is simply listen.
“Everyone is so different,” said Karen Pelfrey, breast care coordinator with Kettering Medical Center. “It’s important to know their feelings, allow them to vent and ask them what they need. Women are always the ones taking care of everybody else, so this is the time when that woman needs to put her herself at the top of the list.”
When talking, be sure to ask open-ended questions and really try to get them to open up and share how they are feeling, said Phyllis Rudokas, breast care coordinator for Atrium Medical Center in Middletown.
“They hold things in often,” said Mary Lou Cieslak, nurse navigator from The Jewish Hospital – Mercy Health in Cincinnati. “They just want you to hold their hand and ask them how they feel and what you can do to help them out. We, as a society, have a tough time listening. But listening is the most important thing. Anyone with a diagnosis needs someone to listen, hold their hand and let them cry.”
If you can’t be there physically, you can show support in other ways.
“I have some friends back in Indianapolis who would send me a card or a little gift every week,” Featherstone said. “Keeping in touch and letting me know they cared meant a lot. You’re really down and out when going through a diagnosis and treatment.”
Cards, inspirational videos and small gifts such as angels or jewelry were uplifting for Jennie Stockslager of New Lebanon when she went through treatment. Stockslager was first diagnosed in 2003 with ovarian cancer and has had four recurrences since.
“The first time was bad; the second was worse,” Stockslager said. “You think it’s behind you, but it isn’t. I was learning all of these new ways of dealing with a recurrence.”
Stockslager is now chairwoman of the Noble Circle Project, which provides educational services and peer support to Dayton-area women facing cancer. The Noble Circle Project offers programs focusing on nutritional education, complementary energy techniques and peer support. Since 2003, The Noble Circle Project has provided programs for over 200 women, with 30 new women joining each year.
“Once I had tools, I was able to deal with challenging news in a better more helpful way,” she said. “As much as family and friends love you, they just don’t have that unless they’ve been through it.”
2. Show strength, offer reassurance
Even when family and friends don’t have the answers, it’s important they stay strong.
“It’s normal to cry with your loved one and show that you’re worried, but you have to be strong enough to say you will always be there no matter what,” Rudokas said.
One patient said the best support she received during treatment was simply that people were there to say, “We’ll get through this … one step at a time,” Cieslak said.
“The survivor (you are one from the time diagnosed) needs to know you will always be there no matter what. Through the whole journey … It’s normal to feel overwhelmed. You question the journey ahead for you and your loved one,” Rudokas said.
3. Define needs, enlist help
“Everyone wants to help. But be specific with what you need and accept help from all of your resources. If you’re not specific, you’ll get 500 casseroles,” Rudokas said.
Appoint someone to organize a plan to define needs and create a plan around those needs, Pelfrey said.
Use a website to organize tasks that people can help with so it’s in one central, easily accessible spot.
“People are always saying, ‘What can I do?’ If someone can take the lead to coordinate a schedule, that’s a huge help. Make a list and make arrangements with the people who can help with those tasks. Anything that can make life easier,” Pelfrey said. “Be creative. What would be helpful for you if you were tied up with appointments and treatment?”
4. Appoint a spokesperson
For many patients, having to face people and constantly talk about how they’re doing can be really draining. Same goes for the primary caregiver.
“If there is one person you can keep updating, then let that person update everyone else,” Stockslager said. “It’s so draining to tell the story over and over again, especially if it’s challenging news. Its so helpful to tell one person and have everyone go to that person for updates.”
5. Provide meals
“Take a meal. People appreciate that,” Cieslak said. “When going through chemo, that’s tough for the entire family. The spouse is working; everyone is floundering. Women are caregivers, and we hate to be dependent on anybody.”
What's really helpful is setting up a meal train using a web site such as www.mealtrain.com, Featherstone suggested. "The family can describe allergies or things they don't like. They can even make special requests. You can see it all on a schedule and see what's covered. It doesn't always have to be home-cooked meals. It can be takeout," she said.
6. Help with errands, chores
Going to the pharmacy to pick up prescriptions, driving to countless appointments, filling out piles of paperwork, taking the kids to soccer practice, going to the grocery, keeping up with household chores and laundry …
All of these little things can add up to be a lot of stress for both the patient and the primary caregiver, Rudokas said.
“Treatment can be time consuming and very tiring,” Pelfrey said. “You can give that family a break by helping with all of the other small stuff.”
7. Focus on pampering, fun
One easy thing most anyone can help with is planning something fun, Rudokas said. This is a great way to get the patient to relieve some stress, but should probably be planned with some direction/help from the primary caregiver.
“Take into account what they can tolerate at the time,” she said. “Plan something fun to do together and incorporate some friends. Invite them to dinner. Plan activities, even short trips.”
With cancer, the physical side effects of treatment such as hair loss can be devastating, and self-esteem can plummet.
Plan some small activities that focus on making them feel relaxed, beautiful and boost their confidence.
“Take them out to get their nails done,” Cieslak suggested. “Or pick them up and go get a massage or facial and then go out for lunch.”
If there are children or teens in the home, plan activities for the children that get them out of the house and give them the chance to do something fun, Pelfrey said.
8. Stay organized
It’s easy to get overwhelmed with all of the paperwork, dealing with insurance, finances, managing appointments and going through treatment, Rudokas said.
Recruit someone or multiple someones to help keep everything and everyone organized through the process, from diagnosis through treatment. These could be friends or professionals.
9. Respect privacy
Some patients are resistant to help because seeing people or having people coming to their home can actually be an added stress, Pelfrey said.
“It’s exhausting. It’s nice when people bring meals. But then the patient feels like they have to entertain,” she said. “One family puts a cooler outside to drop off and pick up the empty dish without interruption when they aren’t up to company. They didn’t have to have extra stress this way. It was up to them to decide if they wanted company or not.”
10. Care for the caregiver, too
“The caregiver or the support partner has a really important role in recovery — the emotional recovery,” Rudokas said. “Normally it’s a spouse or a significant other, a close friend, a sister, a sibling, a relative, a child. There is a lot of the stress on the support partner. They take on the emotional stress, they are handling appointments, researching to ask questions, managing medications, making choices — and all this time they are worried.”
Relatives and friends who are not in the role of primary caregiver can offer support to the caregiver, Rudokas said. It’s important the caregiver also eat healthy meals, get plenty of rest and develop a plan for exercise to help reduce stress.
One easy way to help is to have others come over for an hour or two just to allow the caregiver to take a walk or a run or just escape, Rudokas said.
“You need to know it affects the entire family. When I was going through the roughest times of my treatment, no one addressed my husband’s needs,” Featherstone said.
Spend time with the caregiver and take that person out to do something fun, she suggested.
“That means a lot to the entire family,” she said.
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