Murray,
Let me start by saying that you are doing some things terribly wrong, but I don’t think the failure here is what you think it is.
You may be surprised to hear that the only thing you are doing right is taking away the tablet. Everything else you are doing (explaining, reasoning, threatening) is making things worse. Your frustration and ownership of these tantrums tells your son that his actions are your problem. I don’t know about you, but I tend to only be motivated to solve problems that I feel are mine. Your son is probably the same.
Kid Whisperer Essential Understanding: a child acting out must be given a strong dose of empathy and then must suffer the consequences of acting out until the suffering causes them to stop acting out.
Can you remember back to when suffering consequences was a thing? Remember when we, as a society, allowed children to actually suffer as a consequence for making mistakes? Right now, his anti-social behavior is getting him what he wants (attention and coddling from his parents). Therefore, he must now go through a period of time where he is going to try to get what he wants by exhibiting these negative behaviors over and over. He is going to fail over and over. His behavior will become worse during this time as he tries out similar, but more extreme behaviors as a means of getting what he wants.
When your child is throwing that fit, he is learning. This is good. Instead of dreading his next “tech-tantrum,” look forward to it, knowing that the worse his reaction is, the more he’s going to learn! Here’s the Love and Logic® response for the next time your little angel goes loony tunes over losing the magic screen. Notice that I empathize first, and then I let the child suffer without anger, lectures, warnings or threats. Here goes.
Kid Whisperer: Would you like to stop playing "Killer Bees in the Amazon" in one minute or two minutes?
Kid: (without looking up) Two minutes!
Two minutes and zero seconds go by.
Kid Whisperer: Time's up. Would you like to put it away or would you like me to do it?
Kid: No, wait, I just need to decapitate the Bee Queen to get to the next …
Kid Whisperer: Oh, man. I'll do it. (Kid Whisperer gently takes the tablet).
Kid: (Throwing tantrum)This will not stand! I hate you. This family is a totalitarian regime! My friends don't have to deal with this nonsense! As an act of defiance I shall now roll around on the ground!
(Kid rolls around on the floor, kicking and screaming)
Kid Whisperer: (Walking away, yawning) Love you too much to argue.
Kid Whisperer places the tablet on a high shelf.
Kid: (making a miraculous recovery) When can I get it back?
Kid Whisperer: (Reading a book now, not looking up) Won't it be fun to find out?
Kid returns to his tantrum, this time with more kicking.
At a time of the Kid Whisperer’s choosing, he lets the kid know that he will be able to use the tablet when the Kid Whisperer feels that the kid is mature enough to handle his emotions appropriately. This topic is NEVER discussed again. When asked by the Kid when he can use the tablet, the ONLY response is the repetition of the question “Won’t it be fun to find out?” If and when the Kid Whisperer deems it appropriate, there can be consequences for the tantrums themselves, but more on how to do that in another column and on my website.
Remember, the tantrum is a sign that what you are doing is working. Understanding this this will help you to avoid stressing over it!
Scott Ervin is a father, teacher, and behavioral consultant. More real-life, practical skills can be found on his website: www.askthekidwhisperer.com.
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