My guess is that the only thing behind those cute little eyes that stare up at us when we speak to him is an empty room for rent.
She insists that he understands every word we’re saying. I’m pretty sure just about every word we say sounds to him like the “wahwahwah” of the adults in the “Peanuts” specials on television.
I’m willing to concede he does understand a few words. If we say the word “no,” I’m sure he knows what that means. He just doesn’t care. If he’s running loose and I shout “come” until laryngitis sets in, he may or may not return. A lot depends on how long it takes him to get tired from all that running.
And if it’s 5 p.m. when you ask him, “Do you want your dinner?” he’ll jump up, race into the kitchen and run in circles around his food dish. But then, he’ll also do that if its 2 a.m. and you ask him, “Do you think the Democrats will regain control of Congress in 2012?”
But, just in case his vocabulary is larger than that, we have begun spelling words to keep him from knowing what we’re saying. Which is exactly what my parents did when I was a child, although that stopped being effective by the time I was in high school.
The other day, for instance, while I was reading the newspaper and the dog was lying across my lap, cutting off the circulation to my feet, my wife said to me, “Oh, oh, there’s a c-a-t in the frontyard.”
“What about a hat?” I replied. I’m a decent speller, but my hearing’s not so hot these days.
“Not hat,” she said. “C-a-t.”
“Oh, you mean the word starts with ‘c’ as in ‘cat?’ ”
“Don’t say ‘cat,’ ” she warns. “If you say ‘cat,’ he’ll hear you and go nuts.”
Which leads me to believe that the dog needs my hearing aids even more than I do, because we’ve just said the word “cat” three times and he hasn’t budged.
“Hey, Einstein,” I say to him, “do you knows there’s a big fat cat sitting in the frontyard making obscene gestures at you?”
At which point our furry little genius jumps up, races into the kitchen and runs in circles around his food dish.
We may need to consider private tutoring before we send him off to college.
Contact D.L. Stewart at dlstew_2000@yahoo.com.