It is another chance for Tom and Carly Trost of Dayton to honor their son, Cooper.
“We have a candle for him, and we burn it once a year at 7 p.m. on Oct. 15 for the Wave of Light,” Carly Trost said. “It’s in memory of all the babies that are gone too soon.”
In 2014, at Trost’s 20-week ultrasound, the couple learn that Cooper had passed away.
“Thankfully my husband was with me because he wasn’t able to make every appointment,” she said. “The ultrasound technician left to get the doctor and we found out he had no heartbeat. We didn’t believe it. They let us stay in the room as long as we needed and we were able to leave through a private exit.”
The couple went to the hospital that same evening to induce labor. Sixteen hours later Cooper was born still and Carly Trost was the first person to hold him.
“We were already grieving when I was in labor, but we couldn’t wrap our heads around it because things moved so fast. It was a whirlwind,” she said. “It was agonizing, and I hadn’t slept all night. Bella Baby took his newborn photos, and our parents were there when he was born.”
The couple left the hospital with a memorial stone, a bear and Cooper’s hospital blanket. “Kettering Hospital has a memorial garden, and we were able to select a stone and add it to a fountain,” Trost said.
The first few days and weeks after Cooper’s birth were too intense for Trost to describe.
“There was a lot of crying and a lot of numbness,” Trost said. “We stayed home and stayed in our little bubble. We didn’t want to see people.”
Navigating the grief of losing a child is different for every family. Nichole Schweickart, a maternity nurse and bereavement coordinator at Kettering Health, encourages parents to consider an annual memorial for the baby’s birthday, such as plating a tree or adding a statue in a garden, donating mementos in honor the baby or giving back to support other families going through a pregnancy loss.
“It is important to honor their child because this helps us cope with grief,” Schweickart said. “This allows us to recognize that our baby’s life, although brief, continues to be important and continues to validate that we will always remain a parent to our angel baby.”
The Trosts celebrate their son’s birthday every year by releasing balloons.
“We send balloons to him, and the number of balloons we release are the age he would be,” Trost said. “The colors are always orange, blue and green. The orange represents Tom, the blue represents me and the green represents Cooper. Those are the colors we had in his room.”
Cooper’s birthday is also celebrated each year with marble cake and whipped icing, and the family also visits a tree that was planted in his honor.
“We want to acknowledge he existed because a lot of times miscarriages and stillbirths are swept under the rug. We want to celebrate that he was here,” Trost said.
Schweickart advised that a simple “I’m Sorry” or “What can I do to help you right now?” are appropriate, key things to say to grieving parents.
“Friends and family can help by respecting the parents’ rights and wishes. The biggest advice I can give them is to just listen and be present,” she said.
Trost said they always knew they wanted a family, but it was hard to move forward because they had to grieve what they lost.
Today, the Trosts have been married for 21 years and their family includes a 14-year-old son, Aden, and 10-year-old daughter, Avery. Cooper continues to be a part of their family, as well.
“For those going through it, I want them to know they’re not alone. It happens more than you think. You feel like you’re isolated and alone, but you’re not alone,” Trost said. “If you know someone dealing with a loss, just sit and listen. Don’t give advice but just be there and grieve with them.”
A PERSONAL CONNECTION
Journalists strive to be impartial and fair in their reporting, but some topics hit close to home. I wanted to write this piece to raise awareness about Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month, and thought it was important to share my story with readers.
In August 2020, I unexpectedly experienced a miscarriage in my second trimester due to Trisomy 18. My husband and I were devastated to lose our much-wanted daughter, whom we named Olivia.
We felt overwhelmed and didn’t have the energy to search for resources that could help us explain the situation to our young children. I published two books to honor our daughter, “Saying Goodbye to Olivia” and “Olivia Had Trisomy 18.” I hope the books will help other families through their conversations about miscarriage and loss, as well as empower children to find their own way to honor family members.
For more information, visit BooksbyMarie.com.
Contact this writer at writeawayk@gmail.com.
About the Author