“One of the first things that we tell every parent is you want to make talking with your child and talking with your child about topics very normal,” said Dr. Kelly Blankenship, the division chief of psychiatry at Dayton Children’s.
Parents can have a daily check-in with their children and teens, asking them about their day, school and friends. If the child is using social media, parents can ask what the child has seen on social media and if they have any questions about what they’ve seen, Blankenship said.
Even just having regular, casual conversations about their lives will make it easier for children and teens to come to their parents when there is an issue.
“They’re more likely to talk to you or come to you when there are hard conversations that they need to have or questions they have,” Blankenship said.
For parents preparing to have a tough conversation ― if you are noticing something with your child where you’re worried about their mental health or you’re worried about them engaging in some kind of behavior that you feel like could be dangerous ― it’s important to have that talk when everyone’s calm, she said.
“Have it in a area that’s a little bit private so they don’t have siblings listening in, because little siblings love to listen in,” Blankenship said.
Talking points
Parents should also ask their children’s permission, she said. Blankenship said one recommendation for a conversation starter is, “Hey, I’ve noticed you’ve seemed sad lately. Can we talk about that? Or I’ve noticed you’re not wanting to hang out with friends. Can you tell me more about what’s going on?”
“And if it’s with social media (parents can say), ‘Hey, I’ve noticed you’ve been on social media a lot. I’m wondering what you’re seeing on there or who you’re talking to on social media. Can we talk a little bit about it?’” Blankenship said.
It’s important that adults talking to children and teens are able to show them what is good, positive and hopeful, she said, balanced with validating the child’s feelings.
So if a teen is saying, “I’m so depressed. My boyfriend broke up with me. I don’t see how I can go on,” it’s important to validate those feelings, responding with a statement like, “It sounds like that’s really hard for you.”
Questions that can help children and teens have hope for the future after going through something difficult can include:
- “What will you do to make yourself feel better about this?”
- “What kinds of things make you happy?”
- “What kinds of things can you engage in that’ll start to make you feel better?”
What parents and adults should not do is tell children and teens that what they’re going through is not that big of a deal.
“What you don’t want to say is, ‘Oh, I’ve been through that,’ or do something that invalidates their feelings, like (saying), ‘That’s not really that big of a deal. You’re young. You’ll get over it,’” Blankenship said.
Parents also should not ignore any statements made about suicide.
“Anytime a child makes any comment about not wanting to be alive, wishing they were dead. I think sometimes there can be a sense that maybe they’re exaggerating or they’re just being dramatic, but anytime any kind of language like that is used, it’s important that the child is then assessed,” Blankenship said.
What to look for
The big thing is looking for changes in the way children and teens are behaving, she said. If their activities and interests change, parents should take notice.
If a child has always wanted to a spend a lot of time watching television and continues wanting to watch a lot of TV, their mental health is probably fine.
But if a child is a very active, on the go and social, and then they suddenly want to spend their time just watching TV and not wanting to leave their room or bed, then there could be a problem.
“I think a lot of parents sometimes will be like, ‘Well, that’s them being a teenager.’ And sometimes it can be, but sometimes it’s not,” Blankenship said.
“It’s important when you’re seeing, especially a change in behaviors, that you’re asking these questions, or depending on how severe the behaviors are, getting them assessed,” Blankenship said.
Conversation starters for parents
From Dayton Children’s on our sleeves program:
- What is the best thing about school?
- Tell me about your favorite book.
- What gift would you really like to get?
- What do you want to be when you grow up?
- If I gave you a million dollars, what would you do with it?
- What do you think is the best thing about getting older?
- If you could have one superpower, what would it be? How would you use it?
- If you were the dad or mom of the house, what would be your three rules?
- When you feel sad, what do you think about to make yourself feel happy again?
- If you could build a dream house, what would it look like?
- If you had to live on an island by yourself, what three things would you bring?
- What is your favorite season? What do you like about it?
- If you could be on any TV show, what would it be?
- What do you like most about yourself?
- Tell me what your best day would look like.
For more information or free resources, visit childrensdayton.org/onoursleeves.
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