Of course, it has never said, “Amelia, you are constantly wrong. Stop with the thinking,” but the sentiment is implied in every utterance of the word “recalculating.”
“Recalculating,” it says, when I turn left when it wants me to turn right.
“Recalculating,” it huffs, when I miss an exit or decide that perhaps I know an easier route.
I may have a brain, but Garmin has a satellite and it can boss me around in an English accent.
“Recalculating” clearly means, “OK, Stupid. Now I’ll have to figure out how to get you out of this fine mess. Blimey!”
Satellite trumps brain every time when it comes to reasoning.
At least Garmin doesn’t say what is actually on its satellite mind:
“Recalculating ... why can’t you listen with THOSE ears?”
“Recalculating ... what are we doing in thiiiiiiiiis part of town?”
“Recalculating ... didn’t they teach you up from down and right from left in preschool?”
“Recalculating ... if you’re not going to take my instructions, take me back to the Best Buy from which I was purchased.”
“Recalculating ... just because you graduated from college doesn’t mean you know the quickest route to Red Robin.”
“Recalculating ... if your mother knew you drove so erratically, she wouldn’t be so happy.”
“Recalculating ... nice move. Smarty Pants. Now we’re in a ditch. Whatcha gonna do now, Big Brain Cell?”
“Recalculating ... oh, you’re really just going to eat that Taco Bell right in front of me. Really nice, Rudy McNotsharing.”
“Recalculating ... who has a satellite here, you or me? I think I might be right on this one.”
“Recalculating ... this is your punishment for thinking.”
“Recalculating ... no-no-no, Stupid. I said ‘keep right.’ ”
“Recalculating ... I simply don’t feel safe with you at the wheel. Can’t someone else drive?”
“Recalculating ... can you please turn the radio station? Katy Perry is really not that clever.”
“Recalculating ... how is this my life?! Disassemble me now, Lord.”
“Recalculating ... and they say we’re are the weak former of ‘artificial intelligence.’ ”
Yep, it’s a good thing my Garmin has very limited vocal skills.
Contact this reporter at (937) 225-2384 or arobinson@Dayton DailyNews.com.
About the Author
